Imposter? Me?
“I’ve done this before. This isn’t my first move. I can carry us through this phase.”
That is what I kept telling myself every time I thought about moving to Wenatchee. It is what I told everyone who asked us about the move to Wenatchee. It became my mantra because really, I was trying to convince myself that I could do it. I was scared that I would let Tomas down. I was afraid that if I made the wrong decision, then everyone would see me as a failure. I have done this multiple times in my youth, I have done it on my own as an adult, of course, I should be able to do it as a wife.
Imposter syndrome kicked in. I often talk about imposter syndrome in the context of leadership because it is a challenge often associated with women and minority leaders. Some could find that they need to suppress a valued identity and engage in masking to accommodate being a minority in the new context, which could lead to conflict between their leader identity and other valued identities, and at the extreme end, could turn into self-hate. Whilst imposter syndrome has been discussed in a wide variety of contexts, I mainly connected with the leadership perspective during our move because I took up the leadership role in facilitating our move. As I planned and made decisions, I masked my fears and suppressed my identity as a nervous wife and surfaced my Adult Third Culture Kid (ATCK) identity to portray assurance as we navigated the ambiguity. I was suffocating.
When I delved deeper into why imposter syndrome was stifling my sense of self, I discovered that I was experiencing identity tensions as a wife, an ATCK, a daughter, a daughter-in-law and a friend. It was an emotional rollercoaster. It did not turn into self-hate, but I felt like I was failing aspects of all my valued identities. I was trying to make some pretty massive life-changing decisions for us and simultaneously, coaching everyone around us to help them process their emotions and thoughts about our move based on my previous experiences. My internal battles were raising some of these questions – was I making the right choices; were they the best of all our options; will these decisions make my husband’s life easier; will there be dire consequences if I took a wrong turn? I am an ATCK, I believed that I should have had all the answers. Unsurprisingly, I did not.
My passion and my career focusses on advocating for ATCKs and women of colour and championing our ability to navigate ambiguity. I knew that I was able to do the move, but I pressured myself into believing that I needed to do it perfectly. Eventually, I wanted to understand why I was experiencing these tensions. I started to realise that I was fearing how different we would be to the norm. I knew that we would be outsiders, but I was not emotionally ready to relive those reservations and nerves that I had gone through from adolescence as a TCK and in my adulthood in New Zealand. The potential racism and sexism and othering were subconsciously eating away at me. With the volatile American political situation, not knowing the culture of Wenatchee and never having moved overseas with Tomas, the future was exciting but also perplexing. I was unsure if I had the fight in me to resist against any discrimination, but now I also had a fierce protectiveness of Tomas. I had never dealt with having to consider how someone else might be affected in an international move. I was unsure if I still had the capability and tenacity to navigate ambiguity and the unknown. I was unsure of how my confidence and sense of self would take shape as an adult, as a wife, as a wife of colour, as a woman of colour. Moving at this point in my life, I had embraced more identities and adapted to New Zealand, adding another country to my answer of “Where are you from?”
As I unpacked my insecurities and concerns, I started to see the identity work that I was doing on myself. I was examining my fears and understanding the experiences and ideologies that were constricting me during the move. This was a first for me because in my previous moves, I was younger and did not take the time to contemplate and understand my fears and dealt with situations as they came when I was in the new place. Doing identity work made me aware of what I was tentative and nervous about as well as why I was carrying those feelings and perspectives. Identity work helped me to identify the tensions that I was experiencing with the various identities that I held and how they were impacting my outlook of the move. In fact, doing identity work helped me to also appreciate that I had a partner, a companion, to help me navigate the move. We were literal partners in this adventure, and it was a great comfort to have someone to share these anxieties. He had his share of uncertainties but being able to actively understand the tensions with our identities and with each other, helped us to embrace the unknown with comfort and excitement.
Identity work is a process that I have connected with in literature, particularly, in leadership development. It is a big part of the programmes that I develop and the ways I connect and help people develop their leader identities. However, I did not realise how relevant it would be in my daily life, and the assurance it would give me. As a result, I feel a stronger sense of self across my valued identities. Although, this should not have come as a surprise because my study provides a deeper understanding of how TCKs recalibrate their identities in their adolescence with each international move, and really, this is a variation of such a move. I recommend that identity work is relevant in preparing global leaders for overseas postings and now, being on the familial side of the posting, identity work also has relevance in helping the family with navigating the upcoming change.
My fears, insecurities and anxieties have flare ups but knowing that I have a support system in Tomas and friends here in Wenatchee, in New Zealand and my ATCK friends who are living similar lives, they help me to make meaningful sense of how to navigate my new context and adapt into a new way of life. Doing the move as an adult has also given me an appreciation for my parents and their experiences of moving us around the world and my lived experiences that have set me up for this exhilarating chapter in my life.
My mantra is now, “I’ve done this before. This isn’t my first move. We can carry each other through this phase.”
